Why You Feel Like the Parent in Your Relationship

How the PAC Model from Transactional Analysis Reveals Hidden Relationship Dynamics

Do you often feel like you’re the one taking charge in your relationship, managing everything while your partner seems less responsible or emotionally distant? Many people describe this as “parenting their partner.” This dynamic can be exhausting and frustrating, but it’s surprisingly common, and there’s a clear explanation rooted in psychology.

The Parent-Adult-Child (PAC) model from Transactional Analysis (TA) helps us understand why we slip into these roles and how these hidden patterns affect our relationships.

What Is the Parent-Adult-Child (PAC) Model in Transactional Analysis?

Transactional Analysis, developed by psychiatrist Eric Berne, offers a way to map the different “ego states” or ways we communicate and behave in relationships. The PAC model divides these into three states:

• Parent: The voice of rules, authority, and care, learned from childhood caregivers. It can be nurturing or critical.

• Adult: The logical, rational, and present-focused part of you that makes balanced decisions.

• Child: The emotional, spontaneous, or vulnerable part that reflects childhood feelings and behaviours.

• 
  

We move between these states throughout the day, but problems arise when one partner frequently acts from the Parent state while the other behaves from the Child state, leading to power imbalances and frustration.

Recognising Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics Through Ego States

Understanding the Critical Parent, Adapted Child, and Adult Roles

When you feel like you’re parenting your partner, it often means you’re in a Critical or Nurturing Parent role, trying to manage, fix, or control, while your partner is in an Adapted Child role - perhaps passive, rebellious, or emotionally reactive.

This dynamic can create recurring power struggles where one partner feels burdened with responsibility and the other feels controlled or infantilised.

Why You Might Be Parenting Your Partner

When One Person Takes Control and the Other Regresses

There are many reasons why couples fall into Parent-Child dynamics:

• One partner may feel safer taking charge to avoid chaos.

• Childhood experiences of neglect or over-control can shape these roles.

• Emotional triggers make it easier to slip into old patterns unconsciously.

The result? You might find yourself constantly reminding, fixing, or managing your partner’s behaviour—and feeling resentful or exhausted in the process.

Common Relationship Patterns Explained by the PAC Model

🔁 Power Struggles: The Parent–Child Dynamic in Relationships

When one partner criticises or controls from the Parent state, the other often reacts defensively or rebelliously from the Child state, sparking conflict loops.

😔 People-Pleasing and Passivity: Adapted Child Meets Critical Parent

If one partner always tries to keep the peace by pleasing, while the other becomes overbearing, resentment builds quietly under the surface.

❤️ Playfulness vs Avoidance: Free Child to Free Child

Both partners being in their Free Child can bring joy and spontaneity, but may avoid dealing with serious issues.

🧠 Healthy Communication: Adult to Adult Dialogue

The goal is to shift into Adult-to-Adult conversations - where both partners listen, respond thoughtfully, and respect each other’s autonomy.

How Childhood Experiences Shape Adult Relationship Behaviour

Unconscious Triggers and Emotional Reactions in Romantic Partnerships

Often, these Parent-Child roles echo our early family life. If your childhood involved critical or controlling caregivers, you may default to being either the Parent or Child in your adult relationships.

This isn’t about blame, it’s about recognising patterns that once kept you safe but now hold you back from balanced, equal partnerships.

How to Stop the Parent–Child Dynamic in Your Relationship

Moving Towards Equal, Respectful, Adult Communication

Here are some practical steps to help:

• Notice when you or your partner slip into Parent or Child roles.

• Pause and ask, “Is this the Adult speaking or the Parent/Child?”

• Use “I” statements to express needs without blame.

• Set clear boundaries about what you’re responsible for - and what your partner needs to own.

• Encourage open, honest Adult-to-Adult dialogue.

  
  

How Therapy Helps You Shift Unhelpful Patterns

Understanding Triggers and Building Emotional Safety

At Tandem Therapy, I help individuals and couples:

• Identify which PAC roles are driving conflict or disconnection

• Understand emotional triggers beneath the surface

• Develop Adult-to-Adult communication skills

• Heal childhood wounds that influence relationship behaviour

• Build stronger, more compassionate connections

• 
  

Feeling Stuck Parenting Your Partner? Let’s Talk.

If you’re tired of feeling like the responsible one, or you want to understand the hidden dynamics in your relationship, therapy can be a safe place to explore these issues and find new ways to relate.

📧 Email me at jo@tandemtherapy.co.uk

🌐 Visit www.tandemtherapy.co.uk to learn more and book a session.

Together, we can transform patterns of frustration into connection and respect - one conversation at a time.