Why Do We Keep Having the Same Argument?

jowatson00
Jul 24
3 min read

A woman in a beige sweater gestures emotionally at a man in a red hoodie on outdoor steps. Overcast sky and railing in the background.

Break the Cycle of Repetitive Conflict in Relationships

One of the most common things I hear in couples therapy is: “We keep having the same argument, and it never gets resolved.”

Whether it’s about parenting, housework, finances or feeling unappreciated, these repetitive arguments often leave couples feeling frustrated, disconnected and stuck in a loop.

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. In fact, recognising the pattern is the first step towards changing it.

In this blog, I’ll explore why couples fall into cycles of repetitive conflict, how past experiences shape our responses, and how relationship therapy can help you reconnect and communicate with clarity and compassion.

The Same Arguments on Repeat:

Understanding Relationship Conflict Patterns

Many couples believe they’re arguing about surface-level issues - like who does the school run, who initiates intimacy, or who forgot the bins. But underneath these arguments, there’s usually a deeper emotional need trying to be heard.

Repetitive conflict in relationships often signals that something important isn’t being acknowledged, such as the need to feel:

Valued
Safe
Heard
Considered

These needs are completely normal. But when they go unspoken or misunderstood, couples can find themselves reacting in ways that escalate tension rather than resolve it.

Emotional Triggers in Relationships:

Why Your Past May Be Driving Present Conflict

Have you ever noticed that a small comment or action sparks a big reaction?

That’s often because it touches an emotional trigger - an old wound or fear shaped by earlier experiences. For example:

If your feelings were dismissed as a child, you may be especially sensitive to feeling unheard now.
If you had to take on too much responsibility early in life, you might react strongly to feeling unsupported by your partner.

In therapy, we explore these patterns with care and curiosity, not blame. Understanding where your triggers come from can help you respond more calmly and express yourself more clearly in the moment.

Communication Issues in Couples:

Why Talking Isn’t Always Enough

Couples often tell me, “We’ve talked about this so many times, and nothing changes.” That’s because it’s not just about talking, it’s about feeling emotionally safe enough to listen and connect.

When arguments become repetitive, it’s usually because the way you’re communicating is activating each other’s defences. Common cycles include:

Pursue–withdraw (one partner pushes, the other shuts down)
Criticise–defend
Attack–counterattack

These patterns don’t mean you’re incompatible. They just mean your nervous systems are protecting you in ways that don’t serve your connection. With the right support, these cycles can be softened and shifted.

How Couples Therapy Helps:

Break the Cycle of Repetitive Relationship Arguments

In relationship therapy, I help couples identify and understand their unique conflict patterns without judgment. Together, we create a space where both people can:

Express emotions safely
Explore unmet needs
Practice new ways of responding
Rebuild trust and connection

We don’t just “fix the argument” - we get to the root of it. That’s where real, lasting change happens.

Reflective Questions for Couples:

Reconnecting Through Self-Awareness

If you're finding yourselves stuck in repetitive conflict, try exploring these gentle questions - either on your own or together:

When I argue with my partner, what do I most long to hear?
What feeling do I have underneath the anger or frustration?
What does this argument remind me of from earlier in my life?
How do I tend to protect myself during conflict, and what might I be afraid of?

These questions aren’t about assigning blame; they’re about building emotional insight and compassion.

Relationship Support That Goes Deeper:

Start Therapy and Transform How You Connect

Repetitive arguments don’t have to define your relationship. With the right support, you can learn to understand each other in new ways, communicate more clearly, and reconnect from a place of respect and empathy.

At Tandem Therapy, I offer relationship counselling that gets beneath the surface, whether you’re navigating long-standing issues or feeling stuck in a cycle of conflict.

📧 jo@tandemtherapy.co.uk

🌐 www.tandemtherapy.co.uk