Understanding Attachment Styles in Relationships: Why We've Started Weaponising Them
- jowatson00
- 16 minutes ago
- 4 min read
In recent years, attachment language has exploded across social media:
Anxious. Avoidant. Fearful avoidant. Dismissive avoidant.
These terms are now everywhere - except in the place they were originally meant to live: inside compassion, curiosity and the nervous system. As a relationship therapist, I see every day how easily these labels can be misused, and how far they’ve drifted from their purpose.
Attachment styles were designed to help us connect, not disconnect. They were meant to expand empathy, not fuel blame. Yet somewhere along the way, we began using them as tools of accusation:
“You’re avoidant. “You’re anxious. “You’re the problem.”
And with that, something profoundly human became a weapon.
This blog is about bringing attachment back home - to understanding, to kindness, and to the real relational healing it was meant to support.
Attachment Styles in Relationships: What They Were Really Meant For
Attachment theory was never created to diagnose partners, ex-partners, or someone you’ve shared two dinners and a nice starter with.
It was created to help us understand ourselves. To explain why we reach. Why we pull away. Why we panic. Why we go quiet.
Your attachment style isn’t a flaw - it’s a map of the wounds you carried into adulthood, crafted long before you had words for any of it.
If you feel anxious, it’s not because you’re “too much.” It’s because at some point chasing connection felt like the only way to keep it.
If you feel avoidant, it’s not because you don’t care. It’s because shrinking your feelings once protected you from overwhelm.
Every one of these patterns is a coping strategy - rigid, automatic, familiar. But coping strategies are not character defects. They are survival strategies that stayed with you long after you no longer needed them.
Why Couples Struggle: The Real Issue Behind Attachment Triggers
Couples don’t struggle because one partner is anxious and the other is avoidant. They struggle because both believe the other should already know how to soothe wounds they were never taught to name.
The anxious partner feels they are fighting for closeness. The avoidant partner feels they are fighting for peace.
Both are actually fighting for safety. Both feel misunderstood. Both are scared.
And neither realises that the other’s behaviour is fear in disguise.
This is the biggest misunderstanding in the entire attachment world - not that you carry wounds, but that your partner should somehow fix them without ever having been shown how.
When you slow down enough to see the fear rather than the behaviour, everything shifts. You start realising:
You’re not enemies. You’re not opposites. You’re two nervous systems doing exactly what they learned to do when love feels risky.
Healing Attachment Wounds: Returning to Connection, Not Accusation
So let’s stop weaponising attachment. Let’s use it as it was intended - to create flexibility, understanding, and connection.
Because beneath every trigger is a simple human plea:
“Please help me feel safe with you.”
Real relational repair doesn’t come from quizzes, labels or memes. It comes from small moments, gentle moves, and tiny shifts in how you speak to each other when things feel hard.
Below are subtle, practical, emotionally regulating phrases that can genuinely help partners calm each other’s nervous systems in moments of conflict. These aren’t scripts - think of them as invitations.
What Anxious Partners Can Say: Calming Attachment Triggers in Avoidant Partners
“I can feel myself getting intense. I’m slowing down so you don’t feel cornered.”
“This might feel like pressure. I’m not trying to overwhelm you.”
“I can sit with you quietly. You don’t need to talk yet.”
“I miss you. I want closeness. I’m not saying you’ve done anything wrong.”
“My body reacts when I sense distance. That’s what’s happening for me.”
“You don’t need to respond quickly. I’m not assuming the worst.”
“I’m sharing this because I want us to feel safe—not because I want to change you.”
What Avoidant Partners Can Say: Soothing Attachment Triggers in Anxious Partners
“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I can see this hurts. I want to understand before I answer.”
“Look at me for a moment—I’m with you.”
“I hear the feeling underneath your words. I want to get that right.”
“Come here. Let me touch your arm so you know I’m present.”
“I’m speaking slowly because I want us to stay steady together.”
“When I freeze, it’s overwhelm—not rejection. I just need a breath.”
Attachment Healing in Therapy: Moving From Labels to Connection
If any of this feels familiar, you are not alone. This is the core of the work I do with couples every day—helping partners see the fear beneath the behaviour, understand their nervous systems, and build safety where patterns have kept them stuck.
Your attachment style isn’t your identity. It’s simply where you began. And it can change with compassion, awareness and the right support.
If you’d like help understanding these patterns in your own relationship, or you’re ready to move from reactivity to connection, I’m here.
You can reach me at: 📧 jo@tandemtherapy.co.uk 🌐 www.tandemtherapy.co.uk
You don’t have to navigate this alone. With the right guidance, you can find your way back to each other—one gentle moment at a time.
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