Rebuilding Communication When Resentment Takes Over in Relationships

jowatson00
Jun 27
4 min read

Woman sits on a gray sofa with head in hands, appearing upset. Man stands in the background looking at phone. Room has orange accents.

Understanding Negative Sentiment Override in Relationship Counselling

You’re sitting together on the sofa, scrolling through holiday ideas, and you say, “It’d be nice to get away for a weekend soon.” Without missing a beat, your partner snaps back, “Oh, so now I’m not doing enough for you?” You weren’t criticising – just daydreaming – but suddenly the atmosphere shifts. A simple comment turns sour, and you’re left wondering what just happened. It’s confusing, hurtful, and somehow familiar. You find yourself saying less and less, just to keep the peace.

This pattern is more common than you might think. In relationship counselling, we often explore something called negative sentiment override – when past hurt colours current communication and small exchanges feel charged or even hostile. If you’ve noticed more tension than connection, you’re not alone – and there is a way through.

How Resentment in Relationships Starts to Build

If your conversations feel like they’re always teetering on the edge of conflict, resentment may be quietly driving the dynamic. What begins as frustration or hurt that goes unspoken can, over time, shift how we interpret everything our partner says.

Maybe your partner felt let down when you didn’t stand up for them in front of family. Maybe you were distracted during a difficult moment they really needed your support. These events may not have seemed huge at the time, but if they weren’t addressed properly, they can leave emotional bruises that never quite heal.

When those feelings go unresolved, the relationship starts to feel tense and fragile. One or both partners may begin to assume the worst, even in neutral or caring comments. Without realising it, resentment in the relationship starts shaping every interaction.

Relationship Therapy Insights into Negative Emotional Patterns

Dr John Gottman’s research into couple dynamics uncovered a pattern where partners in distressed relationships interpret even ordinary or kind remarks as negative. It’s not about what’s said, but how it’s received – through a filter of previous pain and disconnection.

On the flip side, couples in emotionally healthy relationships tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt. Their emotional filter leans positive – what Gottman called positive sentiment override – so even clumsy or slightly critical comments are softened by goodwill.

The more resentment and disconnection a couple experiences, the more likely they are to fall into this pattern of negative sentiment override. That’s where therapy can make a huge difference.

How Relationship Counselling Helps You Break the Cycle

Focus on Listening to Understand, Not to Fix

When emotions are running high, it’s tempting to argue your point or defend your actions. But healing often starts when we slow down and really listen to what’s underneath the anger or criticism. Your partner may be expressing years of feeling dismissed, unimportant, or hurt – and those feelings need space to be acknowledged without judgment.

In therapy, we explore how to hold that space for one another – and how to rebuild trust by feeling seen and heard.

Avoid the Four Horsemen of Relationship Breakdown

Gottman’s Four Horsemen – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling – are strong predictors of relationship breakdown. They can feel instinctive in the moment, especially when we’re hurt. But over time, they do serious damage.

Instead of blaming or shutting down, we work in therapy on expressing the deeper feelings: sadness instead of sarcasm, vulnerability instead of rage, confusion instead of withdrawal. This shift can open the door to real connection.

Take Ownership and Empathise With the Hurt

There’s no scoreboard in a healthy relationship. Rather than proving your intentions were good, try focusing on the impact your actions had. A heartfelt apology or moment of shared understanding can go a long way toward repairing emotional wounds.

When both partners are willing to take responsibility – even for small things – it creates safety and fosters deeper intimacy.

Learn to Self-Soothe and Reconnect Calmly

If emotions are running too high, pressing on can make things worse. It’s okay to take a break, but be clear – let your partner know you’re overwhelmed and need some space, and agree on when you’ll return to the conversation.

This is known as self-soothing, and it’s a vital part of keeping communication safe and respectful. Pausing with care – rather than storming out – helps both people feel emotionally secure, even during tense moments.

Final Thoughts: Get Support for Resentment and Relationship Conflict

If your relationship has started to feel strained, distant, or filled with misunderstandings, you don’t have to figure it all out alone. Working with a therapist can help you both step out of negative patterns and reconnect with each other in a more honest, supportive way.

At Tandem Therapy, I help couples and individuals explore what’s really going on beneath the surface – with compassion, clarity, and care. As a relationship psychotherapist with a focus on emotional reconnection, I offer guidance tailored to your unique relationship.